I was sitting on the kitchen floor feeling overwhelmed. Kids swarmed around me dumping out games one after the other. I was so frustrated and discontent. Lies and hopeless thoughts started to move from my head to heart and I believed them in that moment of torrents raging.
“ I am not a good mom”
“ I don’t want to be a stay at home mom any more.”
“I hate watching other peoples kids.”
“This is not the life I want to give my kids.”
“This is not the life I want for myself.”
“ I hate everything about my life right now.”
“There is no way out”
“I am stuck”
Finally I stuffed the emotion down once again. I am good at doing that. Stood up, wiped my tears, and brushed it off. I was FINE, it was going to be OK! Push it down Laura, get it together! You got this.
Little did I know that all the pushing down that I had been doing for the last 20 years would manifest into my first panic attack as I was leaving for a meeting later that day. My husband grabbed me and held me tight till the attack lifted. It was as if in that moment the storm that had been brewing for so long hit its max and Jesus stood up and said “ PEACE BE STILL!!” And the overwhelming amount of peace that entered into my heart at that moment was so supernatural and definitely surpassed my understanding!
This was the beginning of God’s preparation to bring healing and freedom from abuse, shame, condemnation, oppression, depression, and anxiety that I have been carrying for so long without even realizing it. He had begun to shine his light into the dark places in me, and now the darkness could no longer overcome it.
The next day I sat down to read my bible, and I asked the Lord for more revelation of who He is through His word. I am currently reading through the bible, and the reading for that day was 2 Samuel 22 – which is David’s Song of Deliverance. David cries out to God in his distress to save him, and from God’s temple He hears David and then the earth reels and is rocked, the foundations of heaven tremble and quake because God is angry that His child is in distress!! He bows the heavens and comes down; thick darkness is under his feet and He is seen on the wings of the wind! He sends out arrows and routs lightning as he is sent from on high to rescue David. He drew him out of many waters. He rescues David from his strong enemy!! He is our rescuer! Praise Jesus!! This how I felt He was with me that day. That he heard the groans of my distress and tore apart heaven and earth to come and bring His peace and wholeness! It wasn’t anything that I did. That’s the beautiful part of it, but that isn’t the end of the story, in fact it’s really the beginning of a beautiful restoration story that God is unfolding and bring forth!